Monday, February 05, 2007

Kyoto compliance and how I now get a good nights sleep.

Bumped up to the top so others can be as green as me; with an update at the bottom on how we can do this together.

I am proud to announce to the world that I am now in 100% compliance with the Kyoto Accords. Ok, I haven't walked down to the corner to finish off my plan just yet, because it is currently too cold outside, but it is the first thing that I plan to do in the morning after breakfast.

It took a many days of hard work and the use of some very complicated graphs, charts and formulae to arrive at my solution, but let me tell you that the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders and all the difficult work as been worth it as I have been able to reach the summit of Kyoto compliance. This is big. This is something that none of the party leaders, including Stephane Dion has been able to do, and I doubt even 1% of the Canadian population can make claim to being my partner in compliance. This is going to allow me to get a good nights sleep, while the rest of you suckers bicker amongst yourselves over who is more green. This will allow myself to declare that I am more green than you!

I can hear everybody out there asking as they read this; "How did you do it Ardvark?" and "How can we do the same thing, and be in compliance with Kyoto?"

I will let you all in on it in a minute, but before I do I have to again state that the tough decisions that will be required of you to meet what is spelled out in Kyoto are not going to be easy, but in the end it will all be worth the effort. The environment is worth it, and Kyoto can help you to meet your international obligations.

Here is how I did it in easy to follow point form.

1. I took an exhaustive look at everything I was doing that was producing green house gases and made a list of everything involved. eg. Furnace, Car, Breathing, Electrical use (sub divided by device), etc.

2. I looked at the list and prioritized the importance of each item and evaluated their need in my life. eg. Breathing = good #1, ... , 2000 watt Gas powered generator to power patio lanterns while camping = bad # 2845, etc

3. I eliminated what I really did not need from the list, and took a hard look at what I did need.

4. I realized that there is no way in hell that I could continue to live in Edmonton with it's climate or continue to make a living to provide for my family and reach the goals that the Liberals signed us up for with Kyoto.

5. I Grabbed an envelope, addressed it to V. Putin, and stuffed in a nice fat cheque.

6. And finally I cracked open a beer and was able to relax knowing that I had done my part to save the world through Kyoto for only a small amount of cash.

There you have it; I had achieved compliance with the Kyoto Accord!

I feel so good right now that I think I will crank up the furnace a degree or 2 and perhaps tomorrow I will drive to the corner to mail off that envelope to Russia instead of walking. What a wonderful world we live in when the worlds major environmental action plan allows you to buy your way out guilt free without actually doing anything for the environment.

I will definitely sleep easier knowing I have done my part.


Update: Since I have made my conversion to Kyoto I have been racking my brain as to how I can help others to achieve ultimate greenness, and I think I have come up with an idea.

In the spirit of all the great UN programs, like oil for food, I propose that you send your Kyoto compliance payments to myself * and I will make sure that I get them to the right place using the greenest ways possible.

Address for payments to follow.

Thank you for being green.

* Disclaimer: Subject to a liberal handling fee that will guarantee I really will sleep better at night. Most forms of payment, including Paypal, accepted. Bags of cash will be accepted as long as it is in small bills. Livestock may be considered in lieu of cash but please, no goats. Limited time offer, see your dealer for details. Not responsible if Russia uses the money to build weapons systems to sell to Iran. Caution Kyoto is larger than it appears in your rear view mirror. People named Brent need not apply. Offer void where prohibited by law and in Quebec ( they never get to do anything fun). Please allow 30 days for delivery, and if it doesn't arrive.....blame the goat.


Joanne (True Blue) said...

lol!! You are a good citizen of the one-world order.

Brian Lemon said...

Beauty Vark...
This whole debate has reached the height of stupidity and deserves our distain and satire.

Calgary Junkie said...

Keep the satire and yuks coming Ardvark ! Now send another check for $1 to the Liberal Party of Canada, and sit back as they mail you regular requests for more donations. You can feel even better, in the knowledge that you are helping to slowly bleed whats left of the Liberal Party carcas dry.

Tony said...

lol!!! Great post. I needed some good satire as this whole debate has gone off the deep end. For these “Kyotoites”, technology and economic prosperity is a bad thing. If these environmental extremists were ever to be in charge of government policy, we would all be living like the Amish in a society based on the 1800's

Anonymous said...

The Amish breathe don't they? They have flatulence don't they?

Having thought about that for all of 2 seconds, I think the answer to climate change is in "corks". We should just plug up every "outlet" that exhales co2 emissions.

Danté said...


Anonymous said...

hahahaha... too funny!!

Hatrock said...

Brilliant comedy Ard!

Ardvark said...

I am trying to be serious and I get this. Sigh.... you people do not know about what you speak about. Just send me your cash and you all will feel better. =)


RepoCreepo said...

WEll you can find more Garth contradictions here

More where that came from...